So lately, you may have noticed I haven’t been posting as much. Or, um, not at all. I didn’t just get really lazy, I had a legitimate excuse! I was doing my GCSE exams. Other people (normal people), can multitask, and revise and probably get a couple of blog posts up as well, but me? Nuh-uh. I messed some stuff up last year and I was determined not to get distracted, so I had to go on a hiatus.
As of Wednesday 19th June, I was FREE!!! FROM SCHOOL!!! FOREVER!!! Not totally free because I got some work experience, a volunteering job and there’s also sixth form stuff and Ramadan and whatever, but I’m still free y’know? So I was planning to make a big comeback this summer. Get loads of reviews and discussion and interviews and stuff like that ready so people would maybe actually WANT read my blog. I could hopefully get my backlog of reviews and TBR pile down and have things scheduled for the Autumn because this maybe the only time for a while that I’ll like, be around, y’know?
But the thing is…I don’t know if I want to. This is going to sound so stupid…but something inside me is kind of going “what’s the point?”
I started this blog back in 2009 for myself. There wasn’t many UKYA blogs around then, and I thought it’d be really fun. None of my friends were really into reading, definitely not the way I was, and I thought it would be good to meet other people like me. Then publishers starting emailing me about books, people starting following me and commenting on my posts, I’d regularly have book discussions with other bloggers on Twitter and it was AMAZING. It’s not really like that any more. Well, it is like that, but without me. I can’t help but think that it’s me. Have I done something wrong?
Just writing this post is putting me on edge, because I feel like I’m going to be judged as somebody who just wants attention because nobody reads her blog or something. I am so, so incredibly grateful to publishers and what they do. Everytime I get a book in the post from them, I am actually in awe for a bit because it’s still kind of unreal that somebody sends me all these awesome books that I want to read, for FREE, and all I have to do is write a review on my blog. I never did this for the books when I started, not at all. I *wanted* to review books. So it was like wow, I get to do two things I love and share them with people and that gives me All The Feelings. And don’t get me wrong, the bloggers and authors are all LOVELY. But sometimes I feel like I talk to some of them on Twitter, and they just ignore me? And there’s bloggers I used to be really good friends with, and they’ve unfollowed me (I know I’m annoying on Twitter, but come ON) and they don’t reply to my tweets when I tweet them and stuff and do you get what I’m trying to say?? I feel so judged everytime I tweet something now, or for every blog post I make, and it shouldn’t be like that. I am a sixteen year old girl. I’m self-conscious and angsty and am not happy with the way I look and I know that everybody in today’s society feels judged and whatever, but this used to be my sanctuary, where I wouldn’t get judged. I don’t even know what it’s for. Because I get free books? I don’t accept books anymore from publishers I haven’t already been in contact with, and I don’t request that much. The stuff that I’ve had in the post since October-ish has been either stuff that just got sent to me even though they’re not my kind of book (and I’m going to be honest, I haven’t even looked at those because I haven’t had a chance but because I know somebody has taken the time to send them to me, they go on a pile of stuff I will try to fit in around everything else. I know some bloggers just refuse to read them because they didn’t ‘want’ them but that’s they have their reasons. I just feel bad sometimes), and there’s stuff that I’ve wanted to read for a long time, or from an author I love/have been watching out for or I think I’ll really enjoy, and those are the only reasons I’ve requested them. Because of exams and stuff, I’ve unfortunately not been able to read most of them, and a lot of them I haven’t even seen because my mum started to ahem, hide them so I would concentrate on school. I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore.
I put so much effort into each of my reviews. Everyone does. They feel so personal, right? And I loved reviewing, I really do, but let’s be honest, I don’t want to do this anymore if nobody cares. I don’t want like a billion blog followers or comments or whatever. I just want to know that I have *some* that care, and WANT to talk about books and stuff. Without the community, I just feel like all this time that I’ve spent on my blog has been pointless and it’s so draining man. Gah. (Also can I just add that I feel left out sometimes when I try to talk to people about books and I get ignored and then everybody else is in their little corner like talking about books and whatever. I don’t know, is it because you’ve all met each other?? Everyone always goes to these cool events and they’re always in London and I live far and my parents aren’t going to let me go alone and they wouldn’t come with me either because it’s actually really expensive and so yeah that’s why nobody ever sees me but y’know if you’re in Manchester I’m so down. Sigh.)
Anyway. I’m sorry because I don’t even know what I was even trying to say and you tell me, am I just been an attention-seeking brat? I just try really hard and nobody appreciates my awesomeness IRL life either so I get it… oh my god I bet everybody’s going to *really* hate me after this I’m SO SORRY.
(If nobody cares then I’ll probs stop blogging after I’m done with reviewing all the review books I have I don’t know I haven’t decided yet.)
(I'll probably feel sorry for myself and delete this later)
(I srsly PROMISE there is some posts scheduled to go up soon).